Halloween parties are a phenomenon. A weird mix of half-naked women, alcohol, guys with hair gel, and people trying way too hard for no reason whatsoever. We’ve gathered a small, yet relevant list of Halloween costumes and the personalities that make them awesome, or not so much.
1. The Derek Zoolander. A misguided frat-like man-child often under the alcohol-induced misconception that he’s really a cop for a night, he takes his SWAT uniform way too seriously. He screams a lot. May have watched Training Day 3-4 times before walking out of the house.
2. The Undercover Ashley Madison Employee. Often wears a hot nurse outfit, or scandalous version of a superhero. Is obsessed with singing along and dancing to any song that comes on. Will most likely take an embarrassing photo during the evening, and usually huddles in a group of other half-naked debutantes to fend off advances from Derek Zoolander.
3. The guy who doesn’t have any F**ks left. The manifestation of pure sarcasm. He hates everything about Halloween, but still wants free beer. Whatever is lying around the house is fair game for material. Two thumbs down to the world, they shine bright in mediocrity.
4. The Goddess of Death. She’s Fairuza Balk…Like, The Craft Fairuza Balk. People are actually taking bets on whether she sacrificed a goat and/or levitated to the party…A party she arrives to with 3 non-speaking friends in black. They sit on the stairs, vaping.
5. The Statement Maker. Leader of the debate team, and a bleeding heart for politics and social issues, they take to costume making for propaganda pushing. They think they’re clever, and the 1.5 chuckles they receive completely justify their build.
6. The Disgustingly Cute Couple. They just can’t help themselves, and we collectively hate them for it. They hyper plan any justifiable duo that will make people relish in the perfection that is their relationship. Copious amounts of their outfits posted on Facebook to celebrate how awesome they are together, and six months later, they break up. We’re all laughing on the inside.
7. The Professional. They’re probably building a costume months in advance, and take it to an impressively uncomfortable level. They’re single, but quite ready to mingle.
8. The Cliché. The person who thinks Risky Business cosplay is still a thing. It’s not, and neither are white briefs.
9. The Disney Enthusiast. The college equivalent of mom jeans. Usually involves mouse ears and some other anti-youth attire. An unusual amount of makeup, and really nice shoes.
10. The Jerk. There’s always one person who wears an outfit that ends up offending the world. They find themselves on the news for their ill-conceived plan, and end up issuing a public statement asking people to stop threatening the lives of their pets. Don’t be like The Jerk.